Rational Survivability

My friend Dave Shackleford made one innocent little quip about social media experts on Twitter yesterday and in a fit of caffeine inspired (a)muse(ment) I went on a little rant.

Sung to the tune of Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck…”:

1. “If you think twitter is a sexual position, you might be a social media expert”
2. “If the top three items in your browser history include the words “singles” “dating” or “matematch,” you might be a social media expert”
3. “If your idea of fast food is ordering your X-Large pizza online — for yourself only — you might be a social media expert”
4. “If you go to tweet-ups to pick up on women…you might be a social media expert”
5. “If you’ve ever asked someone to become a Facebook fan of YOU, you might be a social media expert”
6. “If you’ve ever broken up with someone over twitter & mistakenly @’d instead of DM’ing them, you might be a social media expert”
7. “If your mom has more Facebook friends and Twitter followers than you do — some of whom she’s met– you might be a social media expert”
8. “If you apply the David Koresh definition of ‘followers’ to Twitter, you might be a social media expert”
9. “If you’ve ever sent defensive DM’s to @beaker because you’re offended by his SocMed jokes, you’re def. a fscking Social Media expert
10. “If you had no idea ponies don’t really come in pink with bedazzled outfits, you might be a social media expert”
11. “If you’ve ever tweeted for help on how to operate a power tool in real-time, you might be a social media expert”
12. “If your idea of a hot date is the poetry aisle @ Barnes & Nobles on ‘Middle Eastern Comedy Reading Night’ you might be a SocMed Expert”
13. “If your idea of a pet is a LOLcat that uses kitty twitter, you might be a social media expert”
14. “If you went to Defcon and had a shirt made that said “I poked your mom on Facebook” to wear to the invite-only FB party that night, you…oh”
15. “If you have seen, let alone own, ‘Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo,’ you might be a social media expert”
16. “If you’ve EVER said ‘Thunderbirds are go!’ at a party that involved alcohol and people over 23, you might be a social media expert”
17. “If your idea of a tough workout is 10 minutes on the Wii Fit, you might be a social media expert”

Here are some of the contributions that my like-minded and sheepish followers penned:

1. If you use your WiiFit to update your statistics on Facebook and MySpace, you might be a social media expert [@n0b0d4]
2. If you’ve ever suggested a IPS and SIEM based on Twitter, you might be a Social Media expert *looks at @Beaker* [@innismir]
3. If you named your twins Tweet and Retweet, you might be a social media expert [@n0b0d4]
4. If you refuse to talk to your parents because they aren’t on Facebook and Twitter, you might be a social media expert [@n0b0d4]
5. You know you’re a social media expert when…you can celebrities look at you followers and are jealous [@n0b0d4]
6. If people send help when you haven’t tweeted in 3 hours, you might be a social media expert? [@samj – in response to my CTO wondering why I was MIA from Twitter for 3 hrs ;)]
7. If you bought a book of funny quotes cause you thought it would make for interesting tweets, you might be a social media expert. [@pcalvin]
8. If you stopped posting for 1 day and people start asking if you’re ok, you might be a social media expert. [@lonervamp]
9. If you learned how to dance from Dance Dance Revolution, you might be a social media expert [@noora_freedman]
10. If followe[rs|es] exceeds your dunbar number by an order of magnitude you might be a social media expert <- works for monkeys too [@samj]
11. If you’ve ever cared whether or not someone follows you back you might be a social media expert. [@samj]
12. If you shake hands by making sure to follow everyone who follows you, you might be a social media expert [@jamesurquhart]
13. If the thousands of hours you spent playing Everquest are finally paying off, you might be a social media expert. [@jamesurquhart]
14. If you’ve ever left a meeting with your CIO to finish a tweet you might be a social media expert [@andywillingham]
15. If you’ve ever won a blogworld pass with a tweet, you might be a social media expert [@n0b0d4]
16. If you refer to Friendster as the historic way people used to communicate, you might be a social media expert [@munozrick]
17. If you follow 10,000 people but only 20 follow you back, you might be a social media expert” [@vmdoug]
18. If your idea of a great book title is “How to win followers and influence people”, you might be a social media expert. [@daveshackleford]
19. If you count the letters in every sentence as you write, you might be a social media expert” [@munozrick]
20. If you become anxious about the number of API calls left in your Twitter client, you might be a social media expert. [@daveshakleford]
21. If you’ve ever switched Twitter clients to avoid RT your own lame joke, you might be a social media expert [@n0b0d4]
22. If you can’t live without your Flip Video camera, you might be a social media expert. [@dirflash]
23. If you think hashtags should not be removed from mattresses, you might be a social media expert. [@lmclaughlin]
24. If you’ve ever though 140 characters is too much, you might be a social media expert [@n0b0d4]
25. If you have ever switched the keys on your keyboard around just to keep life interesting…you might be a social media expert [@cparadis_]

/Hoff